The Church of Euthanasia
Dear brethren, these are difficult times we live in. I'm sure that recent events
leave us all with a deep uneasiness about our future here in the Land of Opportunity.
The dollar drops precipitously, unemployment rises no matter what the president
says, the streets are dirty and dangerous and crawling with drug addicts, even
the atmosphere is full of holes . . . it's enough to make any decent citizen
depressed. But don't despair! No matter how overwhelmed and powerless you
might feel in the face of such adversity, there is something you can do, right
here, maybe even right now, to help solve all of these problems, and ensure
your happiness and the happiness of generations to come: you can have a baby!
That's right, it's time to raise a family!
That woke you up, didn't it? I saw you snoozing there in the back row.
Pay attention! This is important! Now, you've heard the politicians
complaining about the decline of the family, and the collapse of moral values,
right? And how many of them are doing their share? Not many! They're too
busy driving their fancy cars, and besides, half of them are closet queers!
They can complain until they're blue in the face, but they're not going to save
the world. It's time to take matters into our own hands! If you're a guy,
punch some holes in those rubbers, or better yet, throw them out the window,
and tell your beloved to expect a little visit from the stork! She'll
understand, and what's more, she'll respect you for it. If you're a girl, stop
taking those poisonous birth control pills, today! Wait for the right time of
the month, ask your mother if you don't know what I mean, and then slip your
boyfriend's penis into your vagina. Don't be shy about it, just slide it in
and out until his sperm shoots right up into your cervix! He'll fall asleep,
and you can rejoice in the absolutely certain knowledge that you are carrying
out God's Plan on Earth!
Think of all the years you've wasted, flushing that sperm down the toilet,
in condoms or wads of kleenex, wiping it off your chin with a t-shirt, or even
swallowing it, when you could have been helping to save the world! But that's
okay, because with today's modern scientific miracles, it's almost never too
late! Soon you'll be making up for lost time, with a little cutie-pie on each
nipple and a bun in the oven. What joy! There's no cure for the blues like
hungry mouths to feed. You won't have time to feel depressed anymore! You'll
be pumping out copies of yourself like there's no tomorrow, and if your man
doesn't like it, well, you'll just have to find another one! Slap him in the
face! Tell him to snap out of it and deliver the goods, because only a crazy
man would stand in the way of God's Plan! That's grounds for divorce in any
state, and worse if he's not careful!
The Founding Fathers of this great nation made laws to protect us against
men and women who use their sex organs for lewd, disgusting perversions instead
of procreation. God doesn't like people who masturbate, or engage in unnatural
acts, with members of the same sex no less! God hates these wicked people, and
strikes them down with terrible diseases like herpes and AIDS! They are even
lower than animals, almost as low as abortionists, and the Founding Fathers
knew this and created sodomy laws so these foul creatures could be safely
locked away, or killed like rabid dogs. Don't let it happen to you! Would you
rather rot in a filthy jail cell, or follow the path of righteousness? Would
you rather roast in the electric chair, or help build the new Jerusalem? You
know the answer, so what are you waiting for? Put your sex organs to work for
Hear me brethren, God needs warm bodies, right now! God wants us have more
babies than fingers! God wants us to fuck like bunnies until there's no room
for anything else, not even animals! God doesn't love animals! God wants us
to push the cows and pigs and chickens into the sea, and still keep on fucking,
until there's no more space left on Earth, until we tear into each other's
flesh like rats in a cage, because GOD LOVES PEOPLE!
And now dear brethren, let us rise, and sing along with the Borg:
No cats to purr.
No dogs to scratch.
No birds to sing.
No cows to kill.
Dream, dream, we can dream,
We can dream.
(Wolf! Sheep! Wolf Sheep!)
No lions to tame.
No cocks to crow.
No mice to trap.
No deer to kill.
Dream, dream, we can dream,
We can dream.
Thanks to TMax and Izzy for translating the preceding
hymn from the Borg Collective. They can be reached at:
74 Jamaica Street
Jamaica Plain, MA 02130