The Church of Euthanasia
I'm sure almost all of you have seen the results of the Church of Euthanasia's
e-survey by now, and I know many of you were disappointed by the alarmingly low
sodomy scores. First of all let me say that we did not "curve" the scores; the
scores really were that low! Less than 0.1% of the respondents marked "always"
for any type of sodomy, and less than 20% marked "often," even for masturbation!
Approximately 5% were completely abstinent, so for the remaining 95%, either you
are failing to properly direct your sex drives away from activities that could
result in procreation, or you are simply lacking sex drive altogether. Based on
the following e-mail, which I will read to you, I unfortunately tend to suspect
Rev. Korda, one more thing on computers decreasing sex drive, I have it
on good authority that the pineal gland is directly affected by the EMI radiation
coming from the terminals. We need the pineal gland to help regulate the sex
drive and when it is irradiated, we lose our drive except for the good old boys
and gals out in the pasture enjoying the mud pies and screwing each other
senseless. BTW - you forgot to ask on the survey who had earned their wings
(regular, white and red) also have you ever woke up in a pasture with a farm
animal in anything from the Fredericks catalog (this is a must question). Also,
how can I have sex when I am typing on the keyboard unless the misses is a
acrobat which she has never been, ask her to throw a leg behind her head and she
thinks that you are a freak which is why I have a freak on the side. She happy,
I'm happy and the misses is glad because she doesn't have to bump uglies in the
middle of the night. In case you don't know what bumping uglies is, another way
of saying it is the good old pole dance. Well, reverend, gotta go back to work
on that sermon I promised you earlier - How do you feel about free verse -
something along the lines of:
The computer usage statistics were truly frightening. All I can say is less
cogitation, more fornication! Give the fingers and eyeballs a rest! Use the
other 99% of your bodies for a change! Remember, computers are just another form
of television. It's still just colored lights on glass screen, nothing more.
Get outside! Walk on something that isn't asphalt or concrete! Smell our mother
the Earth! Feel the sun! The sun comes up, every day, whether you believe in
it or not! The sun is REAL! The earth is REAL!
Now, for all of you who missed it, the following is an excerpt from Rev.
Korda's appearance on Los Angeles radio station KFI 640 AM last night. Shortly
afterwards, the telephone lines lit up like a Christmas tree. A contest was also
held, with a free subscription of Snuff It going out to the first person who
correctly defined sodomy. Congratulations to the winner, who wishes to remain
I'm asking the audience to do something very important tonight. And let me
say this directly to everyone listening tonight. If you're depressed, or ill,
or feel burdened by today's world problems, let me suggest a way to give your
life new meaning -- kill yourself. Do it now. If you have a gun, get your gun.
If you have a razor, get your razor. Rope is good. Car exhaust is good. I
would ask each and every person now listening to kill themselves without
Stop killing one another.
Stop killing the animals.
Stop killing the oceans and forests.
And do it tonight.
Do it now.
I guarantee that somewhere out there someone is listening to this tonight and
they're just about ready to pull the trigger, or snuff themselves in some way.
I say to that person, think about what you are doing. Realize what good you are
doing, and then do it. Pull that trigger!
There is a statistical certainty that one, perhaps more of those listening
tonight will attempt suicide. The rest of the audience will sit by like lambs
while this happens. But I say to everyone listening: Save the planet! Kill
Don't be another victim.
Don't die at the hands of another,
In a drive-by shooting
Or a chemical plant explosion
Or from poisoned well water
Or cancer from 1000 different modern-day sources
Or from a freak accident, playing the odds
Take your life into your own hands and kill yourself.
Suicide must be made safe, legal, and effective in all 50 states. Oregon has
already legalized physician-assisted suicide for the terminally ill, but that's
just the beginning. Euthanasia should be as easy as getting your teeth cleaned,
and not just for the terminally ill. It should be every woman and man's choice.
What a woman or man voluntarily does with their own body should be their own
The sooner suicide is made legal, the sooner it will be covered under family
health insurance plans. Listen: if ineffective, last ditch, painful procedures
are covered by health insurance, why not effective and comparatively cheap
suicide? Nearly half the money spent on health care in this country is spent on
people within the last 365 days of their lives. That health care is more like
torture for most of those people. I say people have the right to die with
dignity. Too many people die as unwilling and very expensive experimental
subjects in the name of medical research.
If you're listening and this message has touched you, you may want to leave
behind a suicide note mentioning the Church. If not, let whoever finds your
corpse know you were listening tonight, by leaving that radio dial firmly planted
at KFI 640 AM. Who can say exactly how many thousands of people killed
themselves around the world last year? The Church of Euthanasia does not claim
responsibility for all of these suicides, but we like to think of our efforts as
an inspiration to at least some of these people, an inspiration to a higher