Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:
SAVE THE PLANET
KILL YOURSELF




The Church of Euthanasia


e-sermon #7

I'm sure almost all of you have seen the results of the Church of Euthanasia's e-survey by now, and I know many of you were disappointed by the alarmingly low sodomy scores. First of all let me say that we did not "curve" the scores; the scores really were that low! Less than 0.1% of the respondents marked "always" for any type of sodomy, and less than 20% marked "often," even for masturbation! Approximately 5% were completely abstinent, so for the remaining 95%, either you are failing to properly direct your sex drives away from activities that could result in procreation, or you are simply lacking sex drive altogether. Based on the following e-mail, which I will read to you, I unfortunately tend to suspect the latter.

    Rev. Korda, one more thing on computers decreasing sex drive, I have it on good authority that the pineal gland is directly affected by the EMI radiation coming from the terminals. We need the pineal gland to help regulate the sex drive and when it is irradiated, we lose our drive except for the good old boys and gals out in the pasture enjoying the mud pies and screwing each other senseless. BTW - you forgot to ask on the survey who had earned their wings (regular, white and red) also have you ever woke up in a pasture with a farm animal in anything from the Fredericks catalog (this is a must question). Also, how can I have sex when I am typing on the keyboard unless the misses is a acrobat which she has never been, ask her to throw a leg behind her head and she thinks that you are a freak which is why I have a freak on the side. She happy, I'm happy and the misses is glad because she doesn't have to bump uglies in the middle of the night. In case you don't know what bumping uglies is, another way of saying it is the good old pole dance. Well, reverend, gotta go back to work on that sermon I promised you earlier - How do you feel about free verse - something along the lines of:

    Frozen Pond
    Stupid Frog
    Splatt!!!!!!!!!

    Ivan

The computer usage statistics were truly frightening. All I can say is less cogitation, more fornication! Give the fingers and eyeballs a rest! Use the other 99% of your bodies for a change! Remember, computers are just another form of television. It's still just colored lights on glass screen, nothing more. Get outside! Walk on something that isn't asphalt or concrete! Smell our mother the Earth! Feel the sun! The sun comes up, every day, whether you believe in it or not! The sun is REAL! The earth is REAL!

Now, for all of you who missed it, the following is an excerpt from Rev. Korda's appearance on Los Angeles radio station KFI 640 AM last night. Shortly afterwards, the telephone lines lit up like a Christmas tree. A contest was also held, with a free subscription of Snuff It going out to the first person who correctly defined sodomy. Congratulations to the winner, who wishes to remain unnamed.

I'm asking the audience to do something very important tonight. And let me say this directly to everyone listening tonight. If you're depressed, or ill, or feel burdened by today's world problems, let me suggest a way to give your life new meaning -- kill yourself. Do it now. If you have a gun, get your gun. If you have a razor, get your razor. Rope is good. Car exhaust is good. I would ask each and every person now listening to kill themselves without hesitation.

Stop killing one another.
Kill yourself.
Stop killing the animals.
Kill yourself
Stop killing the oceans and forests.
Kill Yourself.
And do it tonight.
Do it now.

I guarantee that somewhere out there someone is listening to this tonight and they're just about ready to pull the trigger, or snuff themselves in some way. I say to that person, think about what you are doing. Realize what good you are doing, and then do it. Pull that trigger!

There is a statistical certainty that one, perhaps more of those listening tonight will attempt suicide. The rest of the audience will sit by like lambs while this happens. But I say to everyone listening: Save the planet! Kill yourself!

Don't be another victim.
Don't die at the hands of another,
In a drive-by shooting
Or a chemical plant explosion
Or from poisoned well water
Or cancer from 1000 different modern-day sources
Or from a freak accident, playing the odds
Take your life into your own hands and kill yourself.

Suicide must be made safe, legal, and effective in all 50 states. Oregon has already legalized physician-assisted suicide for the terminally ill, but that's just the beginning. Euthanasia should be as easy as getting your teeth cleaned, and not just for the terminally ill. It should be every woman and man's choice. What a woman or man voluntarily does with their own body should be their own choice.

The sooner suicide is made legal, the sooner it will be covered under family health insurance plans. Listen: if ineffective, last ditch, painful procedures are covered by health insurance, why not effective and comparatively cheap suicide? Nearly half the money spent on health care in this country is spent on people within the last 365 days of their lives. That health care is more like torture for most of those people. I say people have the right to die with dignity. Too many people die as unwilling and very expensive experimental subjects in the name of medical research.

If you're listening and this message has touched you, you may want to leave behind a suicide note mentioning the Church. If not, let whoever finds your corpse know you were listening tonight, by leaving that radio dial firmly planted at KFI 640 AM. Who can say exactly how many thousands of people killed themselves around the world last year? The Church of Euthanasia does not claim responsibility for all of these suicides, but we like to think of our efforts as an inspiration to at least some of these people, an inspiration to a higher calling.


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