Snuff It #1
Greetings, dear reader, and welcome to the first issue of Snuff It, the
quarterly magazine of the Church of Euthanasia. Just in case you're not already
a member of the church, I'll take this opportunity to explain our theology. The
church has four core principles, or "pillars", and they are (drum roll
please) suicide, abortion, cannibalism, and sodomy. Now, you may
ask yourself, why do we support these things? What do they all have in common?
Yes, of course they're all good fun, but the real answer is that they all help
reduce the population.
An article that appeared in the Boston Globe on March 5 revealed that the
world's population, currently 5.7 billion, will reach 8 billion by the year 2020.
Undersecretary of state Timothy Wirth was quoted as saying that two billion
people don't get enough to eat, and another 500 million go to bed hungry. "Over
the next 35 to 40 years, we need to triple the amount of food in the world,"
Wirth said. "But there's no more arable land, and the water supply isn't
The scientific consensus is that if the world's population continues to
increase at its current rate, and if the industrial nations, particularly the
United States, continue to blindly exhaust and pollute the planet to feed their
limitless economic growth, the Earth's ecosystem will gradually collapse, causing
famine, disease and war on an unimaginable scale. With these prospects, suicide
will become an increasingly sane, heroic, and even fashionable alternative.
Since Americans consume and pollute so much more than everyone else, it seems
logical that we should be the first to go. Every imaginable resource is
extracted from the Earth by slave labor, and transported to our shopping malls so
that we can live in luxury. Our media provides us with constant diversion, while
insulating us from any responsibility for our ecosystem. We are thoroughly
indoctrinated and believe we are highly civilized. Apparently we measure
civilization by how far away we can transport our dung. Why do we hate our dung
In an earlier period of history many of us feared our species would be
destroyed by nuclear war. In 1948, a zoologist named Fairfield Osborn correctly
predicted that the primary threat to our species was topsoil depletion. He
calculated that two and one-half acres of average topsoil are required to sustain
one human, and further observed that if our planet's less than four billion acres
of topsoil were divided by our population of two billion at most two acres were
In the subsequent period we have permitted our population to more than double.
Our rate of topsoil erosion continues to increase, and we are rapidly
contaminating what remains with toxic chemicals. Already entire nations have
become uninhabitable deserts. Their populations flee, or are left kill each
other and die of starvation, as recent events in Somalia and Ethiopia illustrate.
It is truly ironic that the earliest known human remains have been discovered in
Ethiopia. To look at Ethiopia today is to look at our future. Our species faces
What, dear reader, can YOU do? Well, first of all, you can KEEP READING, and
second, you can JOIN the Church of Euthanasia! Be part of the solution! Write
to us! Send us articles! Send us MONEY! Until next time...
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