Snuff It #2
A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to man, nor shall a man wear a
woman's garment; for whoever does these things is an abomination to the lord.
How can I join the Church of Euthanasia? Do I have to kill myself first? What
are the rules?
-Anxious in Albany
Joining the Church is EASY! Just wrap ten dollars in a piece of paper, pop
it in an envelope and send it to:
C.O.E., Box 261, Somerville, MA 02143
Of course you don't have to kill yourself! If you really want to, though,
wait until after you've joined the church! That way, you automatically
become a saint, without any additional paperwork. The church has only one
commandment, and it is:
"Thou shalt not procreate."
This means NO BREEDING! Procreation is grounds for immediate excommunication.
Some related guidelines for good living follow:
- Suicide is optional, but encouraged.
- Abortion may be required to avoid procreation.
- Cannibalism is mandatory if you insist on eating flesh.
- Sodomy is optional, but strongly encouraged.
Note that cannibalism is limited to consumption of those ALREADY DEAD. There
is currently no shortage. Killing people for food is strictly prohibited, no
matter how hungry you are. Also note that contrary to popular belief, sodomy is
defined as any sexual act not intended for procreation. Fellatio, cunnilingus,
and anal sex are all forms of sodomy and are still illegal in many states.
Masturbation may or may not be sodomy; the jury's still out on that, but it's
okay with us, especially if you kill yourself while doing it.
I'd like to kill myself, but I'm not sure how. Does it matter which way I do
it? Can you come down here and help me with this? Do I have to do everything
-Overwhelmed in Orlando
Technically speaking, it doesn't matter how you do it, though some methods
are considerably more sure, painless, and neat than others. Try to be
considerate of your friends and family who will discover you afterwards.
They're STILL finding bits of Kurt Cobain's head around the house. Much as I
would like to, I can't actually provide any physical assistance; that remains
illegal in both of our states. What I can do is urge you to find a copy of
Derek Humphry's book Final Exit. He provides a wealth of handy
data including contacts and drug dosages. I'll summarize some of his most
Don't do anything that will endanger anyone else, including driving
into on-coming traffic or railway trains, jumping in front of cars,
mixing household chemicals to make poison gas, etc.
Don't take cyanide unless you're a chemist. You'll be very sorry if
you accidentally ingest hydrogen cyanide (HCN) instead of potassium
Never mind what you saw in Coming Home. Injecting
yourself with a syringe full of air is much more likely to cause brain
damage and paralysis than death.
Getting into the bathtub with your hair-dryer might not work. It
depends on your fuses, and worse, someone else might get electrocuted
trying to save you.
Don't hang yourself without reading Naked Lunch first.
It can be quite messy and disagreeable for whoever has to cut you down.
I know it looked easy in Billy Budd, but that was a MOVIE.
The British Navy also used very LONG ropes to break the neck instantly.
- Drowning has good points, and the colder the water, the faster it goes.
Avoid being rescued, and keep in mind that your body might turn up somewhat
Freezing is even better, and quite painless. Just head for the mountains
(no, this isn't a beer advertisement) late in the day, get yourself above
the freezing line, and have a seat. Be sure to wear light (or no) clothing,
and take public transport so the Rangers don't find your car and look for
The official Hemlock Society approved method of "self-deliverance"
is a combination of taking tranquilizers and putting a plastic bag over your
head. Even if the dose isn't lethal, you asphyxiate while you're snoozing.
They even suggest a trial run! The bag should be big enough so that you start
out with some air and don't freak out right away. Use rubber bands to make
the bag fit snugly. Apparently it's easier if you open the bag, put the
rubber bands on, and then slide the whole thing onto your head like a hat.
Assuming you have access to tranquilizers, the only tricky part is deciding
whether to use a clear or opaque bag. There's one to ponder...
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