Church of Euthanasia

The One Commandment:
"Thou shalt not procreate"

The Four Pillars:
suicide · abortion
cannibalism · sodomy

Human Population:
SAVE THE PLANET
KILL YOURSELF




Snuff It #2


Interview with Sebastian

PS: Sebastian, just how did you become a member of the Church of Euthanasia?

Sebastian: I was sitting at the epicenter of the Zero Population Growth Rally on the Boston Common. It was dull. I was leaning against the fountain when I saw these two guys walk by with tee-shirts that read "Save the Planet. Kill Yourself." On the back it read "Church of Euthanasia. Suicide, Abortion, Cannibalism, Sodomy." It was the first and only thing I saw at the rally that day that made any sense. I yelled out, "Hey, you guys with the Church of Euthanasia?" It was you and Pastor Kim, but it was Pastor Kim that smiled in that overzealous way of his, you know, and said, "follow us." So I did. It was cool.

PS: So, you felt an immediate kinship with the church?

Sebastian: Oh, yeah. I joined up right away. Within a half an hour after that I was walking along side the rest of the church members when we crashed the rally, with this ten foot tall alien, swinging incense burners smoking up this terrific haze, a fifty pound RU-486 pill made out of a cable spool, and this hundred-foot long banner which said absolutely nothing. It didn't have to. The point must have been clear to everyone there: the organizers, the participants, the rangers. Even the tourists were snapping photos. I think it was the director of the rally that made the loudest snap. He looked like he was having some kind of seizure. It was cool.

PS: What do you do when you're not involved in Church functions?

Sebastian: The night before I met you guys I fell asleep down at the waterfront after drinking a bottle of vodka. I couldn't feel my right arm after that. It was totally numb for maybe 24 hours. When I first met you guys I was reading the Satanic Bible.

PS: So, how has the Church of Euthanasia changed your life?

Sebastian: That's the best part. It hasn't. When I need money I usually head down to the armory across from Park Plaza. Old guys drive up in white Coup de Villes. Actually the car doesn't make that much of a difference. The larger cars just mean we have more room, if we don't go to a motel room. They're not going to take me back to their homes. These guys have families. The younger guys get their action out of the bars. But tonight I'm going to spend some time with my boyfriend and some cocaine. It'll be cool.

PS: So you're the troubled youth we've heard so much about?

Sebastian: Who? Who's heard about me?

PS: Time, Newsweek, Mike Barnicle.

Sebastian: Oh yeah, that's me, I am America's troubled youth. I like the Church because it's helped me to clarify my own beliefs. I don't like legalistic or dogmatic religious hierarchies. The primary dictate of the satanic lifestyle is do what thou wilt. That's cool. It's got this certain appeal for me. I plan to die by the time I'm twenty. I'm going to take myself out on Hemlock and morphine. With the right mix it's going to be the Hemlock that'll kill me, and not the morphine. I want to be lucid all the way through. I want to see what I'm getting into, and I want it to be too late to turn around when I do. It'll be cool.

PS: So how do you plan to spend your life until your death?

Sebastian: The Socratic cocktail is only the final act. I'm killing myself now. I have no possessions that I couldn't give away in a heartbeat. I'm indulging in total excess. The spiritual waters are poisoned, and I'm drinking freely. So, I'm expending myself while the world gets eaten. I'd rather be in the street eating human flesh than devouring the continents from my living room. I prefer direct experience. So, I feel pretty good about my own death. If I lived an extra ten years, I'd probably lose faith and end up dying with the planet, mourning everyone's death including my own. Too bad I have to miss it; mass-extinction of humans, that'll be cool.

PS: You seem pretty convinced that the world is going downhill.

Sebastian: I don't have to be. I used to just show up at funerals. I've probably been to a hundred. I just mingle in with the crowd and the family members. A lot of times I get the feeling that the people there feel guilty for how they treated the guest of honor. When I go on the endangered species list it'll be the same way. It'll be cool.

PS: What's your favorite movie?

Sebastian: Harold and Maud.

PS: I had a feeling. You seem very articulate. How old are you?

Sebastian: Fourteen.

PS: Do you shave yet?

Sebastian: No, not yet. Shaving will be cool.


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